


Guilty

by Heather_Night



Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Prison, Sensory Deprivation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 14:55:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17164061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heather_Night/pseuds/Heather_Night
Summary: “Yeah, my lawyer explained it all to me and the answer is still no.  I don’t have anything useful and even if I did, sharing it with you would get me killed.  I can’t do that to Deran.”  Dolan stared at his feet but he sounded resolute.Pearce wanted to point out that trying to smuggle drugs in his surfboard was already doing a number on his boyfriend but he kept his own counsel.  He gave Dolan a month on the inside before he cracked.  The boys at FSP Victorville were going to chew up this soft little surfer boy and spit him out and when they did, Pearce would be waiting with an offer.And if Dolan wouldn’t crack, he’d apply some pressure to Baby Cody.





	Guilty

**Author's Note:**

> I was going down the porny route for this prompt (sensory deprivation) when I read an article on solitary confinement and its effects on prisoners and the porn went right out the window. I enjoy writing from an outsider POV so in this story you get a rotation of Detective Pearce, Deran and Adrian so that might be strike two, lol. This is canon compliant (I think) right up through Season 3 but then who knows (except the show writers).
> 
> I will say if you're looking for good prison fic, please check out SandM1827's fic [blood//water](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16516796/chapters/38686643).
> 
> If you're giving my mini prison fic a shot, I thank you!

_Inside out, I can't describe it, what you do to me_  
_Inside out, I cannot hide it, looking right through me_  
_Now I've reached the living end, pointing fingers to defend_  
_And I'm guilty, and I'm guilty, and I'm guilty, and I'm guilty_  
_And you're guilty too_

\- _Guilty_ by Gravity Kills

 

James Pearce stood around the corner, out of sight, allowing the two young men he was eavesdropping on the illusion of privacy.

He’d been at this job for a long time—longer than these two kids had been alive—and he’d been reduced to hiding while trying to find out something useful, all in the name of putting Janine ‘Smurf’ Cody away.

“I’m going to be fine, I promise.”

“You’re not going to be fine. I mean what if someone—”

“You know I’m a lot tougher than I look, right? I just need to keep my head down and try for early parole.”

“I know, I know. But I don’t have to like it.”

“No, but then there’s not much you do like.” The laughter that accompanied that information had a slight edge to it and it quickly tapered off. “Hey, remember your promise. I got myself into this mess so you need to keep your head down and just take care of the bar.”

“It’s stupid, I could help—”

“We talked about this. Smurf is going to use my situation as leverage. Don’t give in to her. Please? You wanted out for a reason. You can’t cave.”

The two men drifted away and Pearce found himself in hot pursuit.

He had an extensive file on each Cody and he felt like he knew each and every one of them pretty well. But listening to Deran Cody as he said his goodbyes to his boyfriend…he didn’t know Baby Cody had a soft side. This was something he might be able to use. 

Pearce was taller than both guys and he quickly caught up to them. “Gentleman, I believe you’re here to see me.”

He noticed the way Baby’s shoulders bunched with tension and Dolan’s shoulders went in the opposite direction, dropping in resignation. 

Dolan was the first to recover. He turned around and held his forearms out, facing upward. “Um, yeah. Detective Pearce?”

Cody turned around, the sullen expression on his face the one Pearce associated most with him. “Yeah, that’s Pearce.”

“I don’t have to cuff you, son, at least not here and not if you’re coming quietly.” Pearce enjoyed the way Cody’s jaw clenched at his use of the word _son_. Dolan either wasn’t listening or he was a cool customer because he didn’t even flinch.

No, instead Dolan turned to Cody and slugged him lightly in the arm. “Remember to take my board out for me? I’ll see you in five days like we planned. Okay?”

Cody looked into the distance, teeth gritted, but nodded.

Dolan gave his full attention to Pearce as they moved down the hallway. 

As they waited for the elevator, Pearce cast his line in the water to see if Dolan would bite. “You know you don’t have to do the time. We just need a little cooperation from you.”

“Yeah, my lawyer explained it all to me and the answer is still no. I don’t have anything useful and even if I did, sharing it with you would get me killed. I can’t do that to Deran.” Dolan stared at his feet but he sounded resolute.

Pearce wanted to point out that trying to smuggle drugs in his surfboard was already doing a number on his boyfriend but he kept his own counsel. He gave Dolan a month on the inside before he cracked. The boys at FSP Victorville were going to chew up this soft little surfer boy and spit him out and when they did, Pearce would be waiting with an offer.

And if Dolan wouldn’t crack, he’d apply some pressure to Cody.

-0-

Deran looked around the visitor’s room impatiently. He’d been granted a one hour visit due to the volume of visitors which after a two-and-a-half-hour drive really sucked. 

He’d known when Adrian was assigned to Victorville instead of somewhere closer that this was going to blow but he was committed to visiting at least once a month. 

Adrian entered the area escorted by a big, burly guard but the guard was smiling and Adrian…he looked better than Deran would’ve expected. He wore the khaki uniform like he wore all of his clothes—like he was a fucking model—and he didn’t look bruised or abused. It was early days but right now Deran felt like they had a chance of getting through this. 

His cheeks ached from smiling and when Adrian motioned him to his feet, Deran was surprised he was pulled into a brief hug with bro thump to the back. It was over way more quickly than he wanted but the contact had been just what he needed. 

“Have a seat. Thanks for coming up.” Adrian nodded to the guard who drifted back toward a desk, keeping an eye on them.

“Five days, that was the plan.” Deran was still grumpy about having to wait that long but visiting hours were only Saturdays, Sundays, Monday and federal holidays so it’s not like he had a choice.

Adrian smiled across the table and Deran’s lips curled upward in response. “I should earn enough credits to see you monthly but if that’s too often for you, just let me know.”

“I can swing once a month. I just wish you’d let me work on getting you out earlier.” Just the thought of Adrian being in this place made his stomach hurt. What if someone…

“Hey. I got myself into this so you need to let me get myself out of it. I mean it, Deran. It’ll destroy me if you end up back under Smurf’s thumb again.” For the first time since he entered the room, Adrian looked something other than happy. His eyes were watery and he chewed on his lip; he looked distraught.

Deran sighed. He just couldn’t argue with Adrian when he looked like that. Craig had teased him, calling him whipped, but Deran knew Adrian wasn’t working him for some angle. Adrian really did love him and didn’t want him to slip back into his old ways. 

Wishing he could pull Adrian into his arms, but knowing physical contact would get him kicked out, Deran’s voice was low with suppressed emotions when he answered. “Yeah, yeah, you’re turning into a broken record. I told you I’d stay away from her and I meant it. Now tell me about your cellie.”

Adrian’s chin wobbled a little but he swallowed and regained control of his emotions. “Timothy ‘TJ’ Johnson. He’s a nice enough guy and we get along fine.”

There were few people Adrian didn’t get along with so that wasn’t a surprise. Deran needed to know more about this TJ though if he was going to learn more about the guy. “Is he from O side?”

“Nah. Los Angeles. He’s been here two months, same reason as me, so he showed me the ropes.” Adrian stared across the table, narrowing his eyes. “Have a little faith in me, okay? This isn’t like being on the circuit or going to school but I can do this.”

“All right. Fine.” Somehow Adrian managed to figure out Deran’s angle. He wasn’t happy about it but as long as things were going okay, he would try to stay out of it. 

Pink lips curved, one side higher than the other, with a flash of dazzling white emerged on Adrian’s face. It was the natural lopsided smile that made Deran smile back.

Made him fall in love with Adrian all those years ago.

“So, have you taken my board out yet? How’s the bar? Catch me up, man.” Adrian’s deep blue eyes sparkled as he stared at Deran. 

It was a look of longing, not just for Deran’s body although Deran could read that in Adrian’s body language, too, but also for a mental connection.

Jesus, Deran loved this man. He was pissed Adrian got caught and angry he couldn’t do anything about their separation. But he’d already waited five years since he’d realized he loved the guy so if this took five more, Deran could do it.

For Adrian.

-0-

There was a certain routine—a sameness—to each day at Victorville and when that routine was interrupted it was very noticeable to Adrian. Whether the interruption in routine was for the good or the bad, it always set his teeth on edge.

Adrian’s teeth couldn’t be any more on edge without jumping out of his mouth.

First TJ had been escorted out of their cell. It wasn’t a visit day. He hadn’t done anything wrong as far as Adrian could tell. He was just gone.

“Dolan, come on. The SIS L.T. has approved a visit.” Mackey was usually pretty laid back but today he had on his poker face and he wouldn’t make eye contact. Just last week the guard had teased him about Deran visiting him more faithfully than most of the prisoners’ significant others. He’d even called him by his first name.

Whatever this was, it couldn’t be good.

The Special Investigations Supervisor Lieutenant had approved a visit which meant someone in law enforcement wanted to interview Adrian. He had many questions about this visit—was this an active investigation and were they trying to pin something else on him or was Pearce circling the wagons to make another run on him to turn evidence on Smurf?

The walk was accomplished in silence even though Adrian wanted to ask where they were going when they bypassed the visitor’s room. Instead he was ushered into a small conference room. The tight space made him feel claustrophobic but when Pearce flashed a smile at him, Adrian’s feet locked into place.

“Sit down, Dolan. Don’t make me tell you twice.” Mackey vibrated with energy.

Adrian slid into a chair without further inducement. “Sure thing, Officer Mackey.”

“Thank you, officer.” Pearce didn’t sound condescending to Adrian but the way the corrections officer straightened, and his shoulders stiffened, indicated there was a problem.

Mackey grunted. “L.T. granted you thirty minutes. I’ll be right outside.” 

Pearce’s eyebrows raised but he didn’t respond further to the guard. Instead he turned his attention to Adrian. “I thought I’d check in and see how this establishment is treating you.”

This was Pearce’s first visit since Adrian had arrived and he’d been so focused on keeping his head down and not making waves, he’d forgotten about Smurf’s nemesis circling like a hungry shark, ready to snap up any chum that hit the water.

“It’s fine.” Adrian didn’t know what the best response was in this situation but he knew telling the truth wasn’t an option; anything he said would be used against him, or worse, against Deran.

“I bet you miss Deran.” Pearce managed to pull off a straight face while he made this inquiry.

Adrian cleared his throat. “Is there a reason you came up here, Detective? Like I told you before I don’t know anything about Smurf that would be helpful.” 

“I believe you.” Pearce’s assertion caused Adrian’s eyebrows to shoot up high on his forehead. The man kept talking and it took a few seconds for Adrian’s brain to reengage. “…so, you need to persuade your boyfriend to work with me. It’s the only way I can keep him safe.”

“I know you want to put her away. I’m good with that. But you can’t drag Deran into this. He’s got a shot at breaking free and you trying to force his cooperation…you’re going to get him killed. Or worse. He’s going to get sucked right back into Smurf’s orbit.” Adrian would’ve begged if he thought it would do any good but he’d known other people on a mission before and there wasn’t a damned thing he could do to change Pearce’s focus. Reasoning probably wouldn’t work but it’s all Adrian had. Even if he’d been on the outside, he didn’t have any bargaining chips. 

Adrian was used to feeling powerless but now, with Deran’s life—his sanity—on the line, it was much, much worse.

Pearce flattened his hands on the table. “So, you’re telling me that serving time for something Smurf set you up for is preferable than Deran turning evidence?”

It was the first time someone had voiced Adrian’s suspicions. He’d like to say he was shocked but Smurf was the only person he could think of who would benefit from getting Adrian out of the way. Why else would Jimmy have given him a surfboard any idiot, and yes, Adrian was an idiot because he’d known it, could tell was going to flag airport security. 

“So, you’re telling me you know I was set up but you’re going to leave me in here?” Adrian’s question wasn’t hostile; he was just curious. 

“I can’t help you unless you help me.” Pearce would make a fantastic poker player. He didn’t give anything away in his tone, facial expression or body language.

Adrian sighed. “I can’t do anything that puts Deran in jeopardy. If that means I stay here then I stay here.” Up until this morning he would’ve said he was at least safe in prison but something wasn’t right.

TJ being taken away.

Mackey acting all weird.

He didn’t want to go back to his cell but Mackey entered the room. “That’s thirty.”

Pearce didn’t argue and Adrian couldn’t argue. He followed the guard out of the room, on heightened awareness. There wasn’t much he could do except stay alert.

-0-

Pearce was taking a final sip of his iced tea before hitting the road, replaying his visit. He wasn’t sure what to make of Adrian Dolan. He certainly hadn’t expected to face the clear-eyed, well-spoken, young man who was willing to serve time rather than roll over on Smurf despite his hatred of the woman.

There was no doubt in Pearce’s mind that Dolan hated Smurf. The kid had gritted his teeth every time her name came up and Pearce would recognize the signs because he did the same himself.

His cell phone buzzed against the diner’s Formica table signaling an incoming call. Caller ID showed a number associated with USP Victorville and Pearce answered, identifying himself.

“Detective, this is Lt. Morrison at USP Victorville.” 

Pearce didn’t know why the lieutenant in charge of law enforcement visits would be calling him but it paid to be polite. “Yes, sir, thank you for approving my visit on such short notice.” 

The deep voice on the line ignored his thanks. “I wanted to let you know Inmate Dolan is in the infirmary. It appears as though he attempted to take his own life.”

Pearce looked at his watch. It had only been ninety minutes since he left the prison and although Dolan hadn’t been happy, he also hadn’t seemed depressed. He’d been downright protective of his boyfriend and attempting to take his own life would hurt Baby Cody so Pearce wasn’t buying it. “I’m sorry to hear that. I didn’t notice anything off when I was with him but I suppose I don’t know him very well.”

The caller made a noncommittal noise.

Pearce didn’t know how to feel about Dolan’s situation. He actually admired Adrian Dolan to some degree but a dead man wasn’t going to help his case against Smurf.

His curiosity had been piqued and he wanted to see this through. “This may be presumptuous but do you think it would be possible for me to visit Dolan in the infirmary? He’s critical to my case and if it doesn’t cause a hardship, I would like to see him.” It was presumptuous but he was hoping the lieutenant would humor his request. 

He could hear papers being shuffled and then the man cleared his throat. “If you can be back here within thirty minutes, I’ll allow it. I would like to ask you some questions about your interview with him. Please follow the same protocols in place for your visit today and I’ll see that you’re escorted to the inmate.”

Pearce didn’t like driving in the dark at his age and delaying his trip back to Oceanside would mean doing just that but this would satisfy his curiosity. Not much did lately so it was well worth the hassle. “Thank you, sir. I should be there shortly.”

It didn’t take long to pay his bill at the diner and then Pearce was heading back to the white institutional looking buildings that made up the prison. There were six V-shaped buildings that surrounded a central yard and at least six additional towers lined the rectangle shaped facility, as far as Peace could tell. No one would ever mistake it for anything other than a prison with the electrical double fence surrounding the perimeter. 

This was the last place Pearce wanted to be except now he wanted to find out what the hell had happened in the short time since he’d vacated the premises. 

The check-in process went smoothly. While he was waiting for his escort, Pearce reminded himself to relax so that he didn’t inadvertently piss off one of the correctional officers who seemed to be a bit high strung at the moment as they walked by the front desk.

Pearce was surprised to find Lt. Morris providing personal escort to him although the man did say he wanted to ask him questions about his interview. He was even more surprised when instead of interrogating him the man said, “We now suspect this might have been attempted murder and we’re investigating the incident fully.”

If they hadn’t been moving along a corridor at a fairly quick clip that might’ve set Pearce back a step. He’d had to request his visit twenty-four hours in advance—was that enough time for someone to put a hit in place?

That hadn’t been Pearce’s plan. Pearce had wanted Dolan to put pressure on Baby Cody to make a deal because only a Cody was going to have the insider intel, he needed to put Smurf away.

“Is Dolan going to be okay?” Pearce had liked the kid but he wasn’t some lily-white innocent; he ran with a Cody so he knew what this life entailed. He knew and he wasn’t doing anything to change his circumstances. Still, he liked his loyalty although it was misplaced.

The lieutenant nodded. “Someone sliced his arm with a razor blade and he tried to bleed out but the corrections officer found him and used basic first aid on him. Officer Mackey is pretty shaken up by the incident.” 

Mackey was the name Dolan had used for the guard escorting him. Pearce was having a hard time imagining the guy struggling with this based on his behavior earlier; he’d practically slung the kid into his chair even though he was being compliant. Then again maybe Mackey didn’t like the sight of blood.

Pearce dipped his chin in acknowledgement but didn’t contribute further to the conversation. He was pretty good at controlling his tone but he didn’t want a hint of attitude to slip out and end the lieutenant’s good will. 

“Just so you know, I’m going to assign Inmate Dolan to the shoe.” They paused while Morris used his badge to open a door.

“The shoe, sir?” Pearce wasn’t familiar with that slang word although it was hard to imagine Morris using slang with his upright carriage and pressed uniform. 

“Special Housing Unit. Inmate Dolan will have his own cell and highly restricted access. Right now, I think you’ll be his only approved visitor. I don’t need anyone dying on my watch.” At least that cleared up the slang; shoe was SHU and it was an acronym. Law enforcement was full of acronyms.

They walked over to a curtained off section and Morris stopped. “I’m going to confer with the physician on duty and then I’ll escort you back.”

“Thank you, sir.” Pearce didn’t waste any time heading behind the curtain. He probably had five minutes at most.

Dolan was curled on his side, IV taped in place on the back of his left hand, his right forearm swathed in bandages. He was pale but then again, he was pale to begin with between his complexion and the lack of exposure to sunlight.

“Adrian?” Pearce could at least do him the courtesy of using his first name and he spoke softly in case he was resting.

The kid turned his head and made eye contact. If Pearce hadn’t had years of practice in hardening his heart against a victim’s lost face, he’d have succumbed to this one. Dolan was obviously suffering.

“Smurf arranged for this.” It wasn’t a question. It was the only thing that made sense.

Dolan nodded his head.

“She was trying to shut you up.” According to Dolan, he didn’t have anything on Smurf but the woman must’ve thought there was a possibility in order to make this move and risk Baby Cody’s wrath.

Again, Dolan nodded his head.

“Are you ready to deal?” Pearce held his breath, hoping the kid would agree. He felt some sort of responsibility for his current condition even though there was a reason the guy was in prison. 

Dolan shook his head and then closed his eyes. He whispered one word. “Deran.”

Fuck.

It seemed Dolan was bent on keeping his boyfriend out of this even if it meant he died.

Pearce wasn’t going to let that happen if he could help it. He’d played some part in getting Dolan hurt. He took his calling seriously: To serve and protect. 

Someone cleared his throat; his cue to leave. 

“Take care, Adrian. I’ll see you soon.”

He didn’t know how quickly he’d make the return trip but he’d be back.

-0-

Deran paced back and forth, ignoring Craig who sprawled on his couch. 

He’d checked his special email account and each time he found it empty, he sighed. Loudly.

“Jesus, Deran, you’re making me tired. I’m sure he’s fine.” Craig didn’t sound exasperated as much as he sounded resigned.

“He’s late. He’s never late.” Deran checked his cell phone screen again, refreshing the app.

Nada.

Adrian had access to a text-based email program called TRULINCS which stood for some sort of inmate communicate system. It sucked because he was only allowed 13,000 characters per email and attachments weren’t allowed.

Deran had been snapping pics of the ocean and the bar and really anything he thought Adrian might enjoy seeing but he couldn’t share them except during his monthly visits.

Visits were another point of contention. Adrian received 40 visiting points on the first day of each month with one hour of visiting equaling two points. Deran was the only person visiting Adrian and there were plenty of points to use but every time Deran suggested coming up weekly, or even biweekly, Adrian shot him down; he said Deran had a life and he couldn’t see to his responsibilities at the bar if he was always shuttling up to Victorville. 

A sudden knock at the door made Deran pause in his pacing and Craig startle on the couch. Deran checked the peephole; fucking Pearce.

Opening the door, Deran crossed his arms over his chest. “What?”

“I’d like to talk to you for a moment. It’s about Adrian.” Pearce’s expression was grim but the guy was an excellent actor so who the hell knew if this was legit. 

Deran didn’t really have a choice—on the off chance this was about Adrian, Deran needed to know. He swung the door wider and stepped back with a nod.

Before Deran shut the door, Pearce was speaking. “Someone made a move on Adrian. It looks like he’s going to be okay but I think things are going to change as a result of this attempt.”

The blood whooshed loudly in his ears and for a moment Deran became dizzy. He forced his legs over to the couch and collapsed next to Craig. “What do you mean, made a move?”

“Someone slit his forearm and he’s damned lucky a corrections officer found him and used first aid.” Deran squeezed his eyes shut. When Pearce had said made a move, he’d worried someone had tried to force themselves on Adrian. That had been his biggest concern when Adrian had been carted off to prison.

Apparently, there were bigger worries.

“You said he’s okay?” Craig had joined the conversation. His brother was bent over, his forearms leaning on his thighs, looking sick.

Pearce shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Actually, I said it looks like he’s going to be okay. He’s in the infirmary for now.”

Deran swiped a hand through his hair. “What do you mean for now?”

“That’s the change I alluded to; it sounds like Adrian is going to be moved to the Specialized Housing Unit so no one can get to him.” Pearce wasn’t smirking this time. Deran thought of Pearce as a smartass, always baiting him, but this time he seemed different.

Not that Deran trusted him. 

Deran pushed to his feet and headed for the table that held his wallet and keys. “I’m going to head up tonight so I can see him tomorrow.”

Craig was making noise but it was Pearce’s words that cut him to the quick. “He’s being put in the Specialized Housing Unit with restrictions so no one, including you, has access to him. It’s the only way the Lieutenant I spoke with can assure his safety.”

The whooshing in his ears turned to buzzing and Deran barely noticed Pearce leaving until Craig was throwing the deadbolt and steering him over to the couch. 

He took a moment to process the buzzing, turning the noise into thought.

_Smurf had tried to hurt Adrian._

“We’ll tell Smurf and she’ll get Adrian some protection in there.” Craig was now the one pacing back and forth.

“Craig, if she’d wanted to help then Adrian would’ve already had protection.” Deran had thought about going to Smurf in the beginning but Adrian had been adamant that he promise to stay away from her. It had galled him but Deran had honored his promise to Adrian and Craig was the only one who still came around.

“But if we tell her—”

Deran quickly cut him off. “Craig. Smurf did this. She went after Adrian. She’s the only one with a motive.” 

Craig finally stopped moving, sinking into the cushion next to Deran. “What are you going to do?”

He thought of all of his options. Deran was trying to be on the straight and narrow and he didn’t have any contacts with the pull needed to intercede on Adrian’s behalf. 

Adrian said he’d leave Deran if he went near Smurf and if Adrian was willing to go to prison, Deran took him at his word. 

Living without Adrian wasn’t an option. 

But Adrian needed to stay alive.

That left Pearce. 

Deran wracked his brain trying to think of something he could give Pearce that wouldn’t implicate his brothers. 

Smurf had always been in charge of their jobs and she’d made damned sure that everyone was in up to their fucking eyebrows.

Craig settled a large hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

What the fuck could Deran do? He was going to drive himself crazy if he didn’t figure something out.

It was his fault Adrian had even ended up on Smurf’s radar.

-0-

It had taken Adrian some time to recover from the attack, both physically and mentally. At first, he was happy enough to be in the SHU, and left alone, so he could heal.

Now the isolation was driving him crazy. Or if not crazy, it was at least fucking with his equilibrium. 

He’d been allowed to keep his two newspapers and ten magazines but he had no way to switch them out. He’d taken to turning the newspapers into bastardized origami shapes but he kept reading the magazines over and over because it was something to do even if he had memorized everything on those pages.

His phone calls and emails had been suspended since he had to stay in his cell. In his mind he had conversations with Deran but it was to the point that he was getting confused about what they had talked about and what he’d made up. 

“Dolan, you’ve got a visitor.” Adrian blinked and looked around, wondering if he’d imagined that voice.

“Now would be good.”

Adrian didn’t know the name of the guard but he recognized his voice. He tried to be aware of when the guy was around but he wasn’t going to start any conversations with him. Not after Mackey set him up.

He was handcuffed and led down the corridor and shown into a room. His eyebrows lifted when he saw who was seated at the table: James Pearce. 

He stepped backward without even being aware he’d done it but the guard shoved him forward and Adrian grunted when his thigh banged into the corner of the table.

“Easy there. You know he’s here for his own protection, not because he’s dangerous, right?” Pearce actually stuck up for him but Adrian didn’t trust him; he wanted something.

“Don’t know, don’t care. Now, sit your ass down.” The guard was less rough as he settled him in his seat and hooked his handcuffs to the table even if his words and tone were cranky. 

He disappeared out the door and Adrian’s shoulders lowered fractionally. He didn’t like being cuffed to the table, at Pearce’s mercy. There was a lot he didn’t like about the situation.

He wondered idly if he’d ever have autonomy over his body again. They dropped his food off and he had to leave the cell when they beckoned. He did have his own toilet and shower so at least he could see to his basic bodily functions and hygiene as needed but that was about it.

Lately he thought maybe his thoughts weren’t his own either. There were times—

“Hey, Adrian, do you need to see the doctor?”

Shit. He’d forgotten Pearce was here. 

He realized he was sweating despite the chill of the air-conditioned air. The pain behind his left eye pulsed. The discomforts of his body at least re-centered his focus; feeling crappy was baseline so he could suck it up and deal.

“Why are you here?” His throat felt raw and the words barely had any volume. He could’ve sworn he hadn’t been talking but maybe when he’d been having all of those non-stop conversations with Deran in his head, he’d actually been talking out loud.

-0-

Pearce didn’t know what to make of the pale ghost of a man in front of him. 

Adrian—he’d quit thinking of him as Dolan once he’d realized he’d played a part in Smurf going after him—looked ill. He was visibly thinner and his body slumped in the chair, elbows braced on the table as much as the damned handcuffs would allow.

The most startling change might be that Adrian had gone from a short-haired, almost clean-cut looking young man to…this. His hair was a tangled grown-out mess. His eyes were no longer clear but they were exceedingly bloodshot. He squinted at Pearce like he was pain.

Adrian quit looking at him and began to check out the room. His focus skittered from one corner to the other. Never relaxing. 

Always vigilant.

_Fuck._

His well thought out plan hadn’t exactly worked out the way he’d envisioned. This was on him. Well, him and Smurf Cody. 

Since he had no idea how much time they’d allow for the visit, he’d best start talking, starting with Adrian’s question. “I’m on your approved list of visitors.” 

Adrian startled violently at his voice, his neck swiveling back to stare at Pearce, his eyes great big pools of dark blue. Or maybe those were his pupils. 

Pearce had done some research on solitary confinement and he thought maybe he was witnessing its affects up close and personal. 

Maybe if he kept talking, Adrian would relax. “I’m actually your only approved visitor. The Special Investigations Supervisor Lieutenant, and the Warden, thought keeping you isolated in the specialized housing unit would keep you safe.”

Adrian quirked an eyebrow, then looked down at himself, his attention ending up focused on his handcuffed limbs. “Safe. Huh.” The puff of air that followed was a dry sort of laugh.

Pearce’s lips turned upward. This was the first sign he’d witnessed that Adrian’s lights were on.

“For a certain value of safe, yeah.” He wanted to see if he could engage the younger man a little before he told him his news. 

Adrian puffed out air again, his version of a chuckle or maybe his lungs were congested. “You’re a funny guy, Pearce.”

“You might be the only person who thinks that’s the case.” Pearce was pleased to see the panicked look had fled from the kid’s face and his eyes were back to that startling dark blue instead of all pupil. 

The younger guy cocked his head to the side. “It was Mackey, right?”

The lights might be on but the thought patterns weren’t exactly linear for poor Adrian. It was like talking to a tweaked-out CI. Although Pearce could follow along with this conversation. “Yeah, Mackey’s bank account bumped upward in a surprising way. You don’t have to worry about him anymore.”

“Mackey was nice to me. Unlike Thor, my escort today. I should’ve known something was up when Mackey kept talking to us, asking us questions. I shouldn’t have let my guard down.” Adrian’s voice was so raw it made Pearce want to cringe.

The Thor thing was funny; the guard was big and blond and Pearce could easily imagine him wielding the Mjolnir. He had his nephews to thank for knowing the name of the hammer, and other tidbits from The Avengers. He wondered if Adrian liked The Avengers. 

He couldn’t bring up movie franchises though. Not when the thread beneath Adrian’s comments wasn’t lost on Pearce; Adrian shouldn’t have trusted Mackey and he didn’t trust Pearce. 

“I’ve got some news for you about your sentence.” He stared across the table and waited until Adrian made eye contact. “They’re commuting your sentence due to extenuating circumstances. In about six months you’ll have served your time.”

He wasn’t expecting undying gratitude when he delivered the news but Adrian’s reaction was unexpected.

And violent.

He yanked on the handcuffs, his face red. “I told you to leave Deran alone. What the fuck did you do?” He yanked at his restraints again but the only things that gave in to his fury were his wrists which splattered blood on the table.

“Calm down, Adrian. It has nothing to do with Deran, or Smurf, or any of the Codys. It’s because you almost died in here.” Pearce didn’t know if his words made any impact because Thor burst into the room.

Wielding pepper spray in one hand, Thor banged his other palm on top of the table. “Calm the fuck down. Visit over.”

Adrian’s muscles, bunched with anger, relaxed with the officer’s words. He sat meekly as Thor undid the cuffs from the table and jerked him harshly to his feet. 

“Stay put. Someone will be in to escort you out.” The guard tugged the shuffling Adrian along.

The kid refused to look at Pearce and Pearce didn’t have any words to turn this situation around.

 _Fuck._. He didn’t like feeling guilty. Sure, sometimes there was collateral damage but knowing that Adrian Dolan was just that, whether due to his association with Baby Cody, or Pearce trying to leverage his situation, didn’t sit right with him.

He wasn’t sure he’d be allowed back to visit. 

The least he could do was try to have a word with Special Investigations Supervisor Lieutenant Morrison to see if anything could be done about Adrian’s situation.

He was no closer to putting Smurf away and he might’ve helped destroy a young man’s life.

This whole situation sucked ass, as his nephews liked to say.

-0-

Deran was excited.

And nervous.

And really, really horny.

It had been twenty-one months since he’d last seen Adrian and he’d channeled all of his energy into making The Drop a success. 

And avoiding Smurf.

That prick, Pearce, said Adrian was surviving but what the fuck did that even mean? 

He’d thought about bringing the Scout for Adrian’s homecoming wheels but he’d opted to borrow Pope’s SUV instead because he wanted Adrian to be comfortable. His fingers tapped against the steering wheel as he waited in the parking lot designated for discharged inmate pick up.

Pearce emerged first, holding the door open for Adrian.

Deran scrambled out of the SUV but he waited even though he wanted nothing more than to sprint across the parking lot, pick Adrian up and whirl him around, and planted the deepest, messiest kiss ever on his lips.

Why the fuck was Pearce’s hand wrapped around Adrian’s upper arm? Adrian held a hand up, shielding his face. 

He started in their direction but Pearce made eye contact with Deran and steered Adrian his way. As they approached, Deran could hear Pearce speaking quietly. “I’ll stop by tomorrow and see how you’re doing. You have my number, don’t be afraid to use it.”

Deran stopped in his tracks as Pearce drew Adrian into a bro-hug and his boyfriend didn’t protest. 

This was too weird for words. 

Adrian stopped in front of Deran and smiled shyly at him. “Thanks for coming to get me.”

Deran wanted to draw Adrian into a hug but if he did that here, he didn’t think he could stop with a hug. He settled for gripping the join between Adrian’s neck and shoulders, rubbing his fingers over the skin. Adrian was wearing the same long sleeved red and white checked button-down shirt he’d worn when he’d been carted off to prison but it hung on his frame more than it did before; Deran supposed that was to be expected considering Adrian had been stuck in that secure housing unit and probably didn’t get to move around much.

Under the messy strands of hair—longer, and darker, but then again Adrian probably hadn’t had access to the sun that turned the locks that coppery shade Deran loved—Adrian’s face was leaner, too. The smile, crooked but genuine, flashed at him and his eyes were still that deep blue Deran associated with the ocean although they squinted at Deran.

He looped his arm around Adrian’s neck and walked him to the passenger door. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

One they were both buckled in, Deran turned on the Nav system and wheeled the SUV onto Village Drive. It took just over five minutes and then they were on I-15 South. 

Headed home.

Deran looked over at Adrian, smile wide on his face. He’d expected Adrian, usually extroverted, and curious, to be chatting away. Instead Adrian had a hand in front of his face, his eyes closed against the glare. He opened the center console between them and dug blindly until his fingers closed around glasses; he knew Pope would keep a spare pair because his older brother was always thinking ahead. Always prepared.

“Here,” Deran held the sunglasses out and Adrian accepted them, slipping them onto his face. 

“Thanks.” Adrian’s head slumped back against the headrest and his fingers clasped Deran’s still resting atop the console. 

Adrian’s hand was cool but the skin to skin contact felt wonderful. 

The more than two-and-a-half-hour ride home was quiet and Deran told himself it was out of deference to Adrian’s headache. That was definitely a part of it. 

The other part was that Deran wasn’t sure what to talk about. The quiet man sitting next to him wasn’t what he was used to. 

He had some misgivings but the fact that Adrian clung to his hand the whole way home gave him hope.

They pulled into a spot in front of his house. 

Their house.

He’d bought it for Adrian so he could have easy access to the ocean. And a shower. And hardwood floors. And a nice kitchen. Okay, the kitchen was for Deran but it was so he could cook for Adrian.

Deran cleared his throat. “We’re home.” 

Adrian’s face was upturned, taking in the structure. It was the place they’d looked at last. 

The one Adrian had found.

“You bought it. Huh.” Adrian’s voice was husky but Deran couldn’t tell if he was happy or mad or, even worse, sad.

He threw open his door, stepping out, and Adrian did the same. “Do you want to change, grab our boards and head out? It looks perfect out there.”

It was the first thing he’d thought Adrian would demand to do. Either that or christen the bedroom since it had been…too damned long since they’d had sex.

Adrian closed his door and turned, staring toward the water for just a moment and then turned away, shaking his head. “I, uh, really want to wash up if that’s okay. Can I use your shower?”

Jesus, that hurt. It was hard to tell with Adrian’s eyes hidden behind polarized sunglasses but Adrian seemed uncertain. 

“It’s our house, Adrian. Your shower. You can do whatever the hell you want to do. I’m just so fucking happy you’re home.” He grabbed Adrian’s hand and towed him up the stairs, key in hand, and soon they were inside.

Adrian stood there and his head swiveled around. He took a tentative step toward the hallway to the bathroom but paused.

Deran wanted to pull his lover into the bathroom, strip him and join him in the shower. He took a step toward Adrian but when Adrian flinched, stepping backward, Deran stopped moving.

This wasn’t going at all how Deran had expected. 

Patience. Things would get better. He remembered what Pope was like when he got out of prison and Adrian hadn’t barricaded himself in a room yet so maybe it would be okay.

“I’ll make us something to eat. If you can’t find something let me know.” He turned back and entered the kitchen. 

Adrian moved down the hallway and when the bathroom door closed, Deran bent over and rested his forearms on the kitchen island. He needed to slow down and catch his breath.

But if this was hard for Deran? He couldn’t imagine what Adrian was going through.

-0-

Adrian’s focus was all over the map but he blamed at least some of it on his headache. 

He’d wanted so badly to paddle out and bob on the waves but the thought of being outside made his heart race.

The sun in his face made his eyeballs throb and his jaw clench.

He was a fucking mess and it wasn’t fair because Deran was trying so god-damned hard. Adrian needed to get his act together.

Taking a shower with real water pressure was heaven. He used Deran’s all-in-one shampoo and soap and the scent relaxed him. He loved how Deran smelled. He’d wanted to sink into his warmth and just inhale. 

Shaving was a treat. He even did a bit of manscaping. Then he took his time brushing his teeth.

He didn’t have any spare clothing with him so he stepped out with the towel wrapped around his waist.

Deran was walking down the hallway with clothing shoved beneath his arm but he stopped in his tracks.

Gulped, his Adam’s apple bobbing.

Cleared his throat. “I, ah, brought you some clean clothes.”

In the face of Deran’s appreciation, Adrian’s body began to stir. He flared his nostrils, inhaled and got a hit of Deran’s scent.

Intoxicating.

“I don’t think I need clothes right now. Does this place have a bed?” Adrian had trouble forming the right words. His brain was going offline as desire hit him hard. 

Made him dizzy.

The material Deran held dropped to the floor and then Adrian was being dragged into another room. He didn’t have a chance to look around before he bounced onto the bed.

The large bed.

He lost a little time as Deran’s hands seemed to be everywhere. Adrian was able to touch, and rub, some of Deran’s skin once Deran shed his clothing but when his hand wrapped around the hard shaft encased with silky skin in front of him, his hands were batted away.

“Later,” Deran murmured as a finger rubbed down Adrian’s crease.

That alone had Adrian on the verge of coming. “Not gonna last.”

He was lying on his stomach so he couldn’t see Deran but he heard the smile in his voice. A wolfish smile. “Then don’t.”

It was a frantic coupling and Adrian happily lost himself in the sensations. What little sense he had fled when his orgasm exploded, starbursts of color exploding against the dark backdrop of his closed eyes. 

When he surfaced, he was almost on top of Deran, and one of Deran’s hands was rubbing up and down his spine.

His other hand traced up and down his arm. 

Over the scar.

Adrian’s muscles tensed as he remembered the sharp bite slicing into his skin as he was held down. 

The powerlessness of not being able to break free.

The lethargy making it impossible to move.

“Hey, hey, come back.” Deran’s arms squeezed his tight and Adrian shook off the memory.

Moisture flooded his eyes and he blinked that away. “Sorry. I’m sorry.”

Sorry he’d screwed up Deran’s life. Sorry Deran was stuck paying the price for his fuck-up.

“Shhh. I’ve got you.”

Adrian’s muscles relaxed incrementally. The hand brushing up and down his spine slowed, and then stopped.

Deran’s deep, even breathing told its own story; the man was as exhausted as Adrian felt.

He laid there and tried to recapture the dozy feeling but he suddenly felt wired. He eased away from Deran, scooping up shorts he nearly tripped over. After climbing into them, he moved down the hallway, using his hand against the wall to guide him in the darkness.

They’d arrived home in the late afternoon and somehow managed to spend hours in bed.

Some of that time had been pleasurable. All of it had been intense.

Adrian found himself perched on the window ledge, staring out at the ocean. He could hear the waves crashing and occasionally there were voices moving across the sand.

The thought of stepping outside made his chest ache, his heart beating a fast and strong rhythm, making him dizzy.

He’d thought being out would make him feel better. Deran definitely made him feel better—hell, made him feel downright good—but he couldn’t glue himself to his side twenty-four.

What the fuck was he going to do?

-0-

Pearce texted Adrian when he pulled up to the beachfront property to let him know he was there. He was surprised when Deran Cody emerged from the house along with Adrian.

They stopped outside of the truck and with the windows partially down he didn’t even have to eavesdrop to hear the conversation. 

“You sure about this? You’re shaking.” Deran sounded like his sister could when one of her boys was nervous about trying something new. Overprotective.

Adrian brushed a kiss against Deran’s cheek. “Yeah, I’m good. See you in a while.”

Deran stood there, arms crossed over his chest, as Adrian fumbled with the seat belt and Pearce pulled away from the curb.

“Coffee sound good?” Pearce took a brief glance at his passenger and understood Baby Cody’s misgivings; Adrian was pale and sweaty and visibly shaking.

His attention focused forward on the traffic again, Pearce waiting for a response.

And waited.

And waited.

“Headache?” Pearce ventured a guess. He’d had a partner who suffered from migraines and the kid had a similar appearance.

“Mmmm.” Adrian slumped deeper in his seat.

He continued on to his favorite coffee shop. Caffeine had helped his partner when he was in the throes of a migraine. He parked but Adrian didn’t stir. 

Pearce kept his voice quiet. “You want to go inside? See if some java helps?”

“Yeah, I do.” Adrian sighed. “But I don’t think I can.”

“Because you’re going to get sick?” Pearce looked more closely. Adrian’s eyes were squeezed close behind the sunglasses and his breathing was ragged. 

It could’ve been nausea but Pearce’s money was on a panic attack. He grabbed his phone and texted out a message as quickly as his big thumbs allowed.

A response pinged back quickly.

“Change in plans.” Pearce looked longingly at the coffee shop as he turned the key in the ignition. Maybe after he dropped the kid back home, he could indulge.

This time he parked the truck in the parking lot of the Vista Community Clinic. It didn’t take long before a familiar sight walked into view, an old-fashioned leather doctor’s bag in hand.

He stepped out of the truck and greeted his sister. “Hi, Jessica. Thanks for meeting us out here.”

She looked at the passenger seat. “What seems to be the problem?”

“I’m no doctor, don’t even play one on TV, but I think Adrian has a migraine. And is suffering from a panic disorder. The one that happens when you leave your house? Agoraphobia? I don’t know. He was in prison and he’s kind of a mess now.” Pearce could’ve talked more about the special housing unit that amounted to some sort of sensory deprivation or at the very least, isolation, that fucked with a person’s head.

Jessica opened the passenger door. “Hi, Adrian. My name’s Jessica and I’m a doctor. JJ here thinks you have a migraine. Can I do a quick assessment?”

Adrian groaned his assent and Pearce groaned at his sister’s use of his nickname. He was too fucking old to answer to JJ. That the hell?

His sister took Adrian’s blood pressure and listened to his heart and lungs. She asked some questions briskly but he noted the compassion in her tone.

“Okay, Adrian. I have some free samples of something for your head.” She explained the instructions although Pearce didn’t think he was listening. Jessica must’ve figured the same thing because she broke open a packet and dumped the tablet into Adrian’s palm. “It’ll dissolve on your tongue.”

There was a bit of white froth on Adrian’s lips but he quickly lost that pinched look that Pearce associated with nausea. 

Jessica packed up her equipment. “I’d like to make an appointment for you to come in and see me, Adrian. I think I could help you with some of your issues.”

“I don’t want to be drugged up.” Adrian sat straighter in his seat.

His sister nodded her head. “I think we can manage your symptoms with some as needed medications instead of a long-term prescription. I might even be able to hook you up with someone you can talk to afterward so that you don’t have to leave your house. What do you say?”

“My head doesn’t feel like it’s going to fall off my neck anymore so you know what you’re doing. Yeah, all right, I’m willing to try it.” Adrian consented to an appointment and before he could change his mind, his sister pulled out a cell phone and poked her finger at it in seemingly random patterns. 

Jessica smiled at Pearce and then turned her attention back to Adrian. “I’ve got an opening on Friday morning at 9. See you then.”

She was gone in a flurry of navy scrubs, long legs chewing up the parking lot.

“Thank you. I don’t feel like I’m going to puke.” Adrian’s muscles were still tensed but he wasn’t as peaky looking, as his mom used to say.

Pearce settled more comfortably in the driver’s seat. “Let’s grab some coffee and I’ll take you back home.”

He deserved some coffee after that. He loved his sister but he was going to be treated to a grand inquisition after this.

-0-

They were sitting on the couch, well Adrian was sitting and Deran was sprawled with his legs stretched out over Adrian’s lap, those magic fingers massaging his sore feet when there was a brisk knock at the door.

Adrian’s massaging stilled and he looked at Deran with wide eyes. 

Deran rubbed his forehead, realizing who was at the door. “Sorry, I lost track of the days. Pope, Craig and sometimes even J stop by for dinner on Tuesdays.”

It was typically known as Taco Tuesday and usually it was something Deran looked forward to but this time he wished he’d had the foresight to cancel because Adrian’s muscles were tensed and he looked like he was going to jump out of his skin.

Another knock had Deran climbing to his feet. He started for the door, turning his head to tell Adrian something but the words dried up when he realized the room was empty.

He swung open the door and Craig pushed past him. “Where is he?”

Pope stepped inside, rolling his eyes. “Probably hiding from you.”

Deran pinched the bridge of his nose but it didn’t stop the feelings of frustration. Or helplessness. 

With a sigh, he shrugged. “I think he’s laying down. No J today?”

“Who the fuck knows where he is. He and Smurf got into it yesterday and I haven’t seen him since.” Pope moved toward the kitchen. “No tacos today, huh? Maybe Adrian isn’t up to the company.”

That was very astute of Pope. Then again Pope was the only Cody who had spent significant time in the big house and he would know how shitty it was. 

Deran wanted to push his brothers out the door and go snuggle with Adrian but this was his family. They had supported him while Adrian fucked off to Victorville. That maybe wasn’t fair but then again Deran hadn’t told Adrian to try smuggling fucking drugs in his fucking surfboard. 

Craig returned to the living room looking like a kicked puppy. “He’s not here.”

Well, Deran knew that wasn’t right. Unless Adrian shimmied out the bathroom window, which even as lean as he was right now would be a feat, he was in the house. 

With a deep breath, Deran came to a decision. “You guys grab some beer and get the firepit going. I’ll call in an order and we can hang out there.”

Craig’s demeaner shifted quickly. “I’ll light the fire.”

“Fucking pyro,” Pope grumbled but he grabbed a six-pack from the refrigerator and followed Craig, clutching the Long-Reach butane lighter in his hands.

Once his brothers were out the door, Deran headed to the back of the house. 

The bathroom was empty as was the spare bedroom. He poked his head into their bedroom but didn’t spot his quarry. “Adrian?”

It felt silly but Deran dropped to his hands and knees and peered beneath the bed.

Nothing.

A slight rustling from behind caught his attention. Coming from the closet.

Deran stood up, walked over and eased the wood panel bi-fold door open.

That’s when he got his first glimpse of Adrian.

It broke his fucking heart.

Adrian was on his ass, knees crushed up to his chest, hands clasped over his ears. His lips were moving but no sound emerged from his lips. It was three syllables. Over and over again.

Leaning forward, he listened more closely.

_I’m sorry._

Deran’s heart clenched. “Babe?”

Adrian startled and scooted farther back. Okay, that wasn’t the reaction Deran sought. He thought about reaching in and pulling Adrian out of the closet but although that would make him feel better, he didn’t think it would help Adrian.

_Fuck._

Straightening up, Deran pulled his phone out of his pocket. He did some searching and wasn’t surprised to find a bunch of sites about prisoners and the effects of solitary confinement which is what the specialized housing unit amounted to as far as he could tell. 

Stuff like high blood pressure, migraines, dizziness and heart palpitations. Deran couldn’t say for sure because Adrian hadn’t been very forthcoming but he knew about the headaches.

There was more information about weight loss due to digestion complications and abdominal pain. He didn’t know about that either but he suspected there were issues because Adrian only ate about a third of what Deran put on his plate and then pushed the rest around in an attempt to make it look like he’d eaten more. 

It seemed as though most of the symptoms were due to intense anxiety and sensory deprivation.

Choosing the dark closet instead of spending time with motormouth Craig made more sense in that context.

He needed to get Adrian some help but for now he would leave him alone and go join his brothers outside. 

-0-

Adrian clutched his phone in his hand, staring at the notification: Pearce was parked outside.

“I’m going to take off. I should be back in a couple of hours.” Adrian quick thumbed a reply back so Pearce—what had his sister called him? Oh, yeah, JJ—wasn’t wondering why he hadn’t appeared yet. 

Dean’s arms were folded over his chest and he scowled.

Adrian didn’t take it personally. Actually, that wasn’t strictly true because it was kind of personal. If their positions had been reversed, he wouldn’t be very happy either. He wished he could explain to Deran why it was easier for a near stranger to cart him to a doctor then the guy he loved but he couldn’t find the words.

He brushed a kiss across Deran’s lips and that thawed out his boyfriend’s sourpuss expression. Before he could disentangle himself and head to the door, he was pulled into a full kiss, complete with dueling tongues, that left him breathless.

No further words were spoken but he had a hunch the memory of that kiss was the one thing that might keep him sane on this little journey.

Pearce grunted a greeting as Adrian slid into his truck. Thanks to the samples Jessica had given him his migraine was a dull throb instead of a raging hammer in his head. 

A distraction was needed as anxiety began to build; he couldn’t delude himself here—he needed to go inside the clinic for his visit. “So, JJ…is that short for James Junior?”

The big detective crinkled his nose and huffed. “I knew introducing you to Jessica was going to come back to bite me in the ass.”

Some of the stress lifted at the response. “I went by AJ, short for Adrian James, until I was in high school.”

“Why the change?” Pearce drove the truck with confidence on the traffic laden road but he knew the detective kept some of his attention on the passenger seat.

The guy always seemed on guard. Watchful.

Except maybe when he was with his sister.

He’d asked a question and if Adrian wanted to forget about where he was going, he needed to participate in the conversation. Had talking always been such hard work? “There was another kid who went by AJ so they started calling me by my given name.”

He scowled at the memory. There were a couple of asshats who thought Adrian was a pansy name and had made him defend himself more than once.

At least until Deran caught wind of it. After that, the jerks had stopped their harassment.

Even back then Deran had looked after him. It went both ways but mainly Adrian could only offer his ear, and his support, while Deran kept him physically safe.

“JJ and AJ. Let’s not tell my sister about that, okay?” Pearce actually smiled a little.

Adrian’s lips turned upward. “My sister’s name is Jessica but she goes by Jess.”

“Sisters can be a pain in the ass.” It was a grumble but Adrian could hear the fondness beneath it.

“Roger that.” He and Jess had fought a lot growing up but she’d turned out to be a pretty decent sibling. Maybe if he could control this unrelenting panic, he could go see her and his nephew.

They pulled up to the clinic and Adrian’s hard-won calm went out the window. Pearce’s steadying hand on his elbow helped center him.

Maybe this was why he didn’t want Deran taking him out; he was weak and borderline mental and Deran didn’t need the stress of that.

Pearce had seen him at this worse. After the attack. After he was put in SHU.

The sweat gathered at the back of his neck and beneath his armpits but he opened his door.

The detective wouldn’t let him wuss out and if he had a full-blown meltdown, at least the guy wouldn’t lose his shit over it.

-0-

They sat outside of the coffee shop Pearce liked in his truck. The windows were down and a light breeze wafted through occasionally, tinged with the smell he associated with ocean. 

It had been a week since Adrian had been seen by his sister and although the kid still wouldn’t leave the truck, he seemed more relaxed.

They sipped from the two large Americanos Pearce had bought but whereas Adrian nibbled at the pastry, he gobbled it down. The coffee and brown sugar scones were so delicious that he would consider selling his soul for one if it ever came down to it.

He felt the heat of Adrian’s gaze on the side of his face and turned to look at the kid. 

Adrian kept his focus on him in what might’ve been the first time since he’d been sprung from Victorville. “Can I ask you a question?”

Pearce shrugged. Typically, Adrian skirted the heavy issues. He’d gotten the sense that was a theme for the guy—he might bitch and moan about the little things but the big things went unsaid. “Go for it.”

“Why are you helping me? I’m sure I qualify as a punk-ass kid in your world and it’s not like I’m a startling conversationalist.” Adrian’s head was tilted and Pearce wished he could see behind his sunglasses. His face was pretty blank but it was the eyes that would’ve given him away if he could’ve seen them.

Peace took a moment to consider the question. He could’ve prevaricated but it felt like maybe he owed Adrian more than that. He surprised himself by going with the truth. “Mainly guilt, I guess.”

“I know who was to blame for things and it wasn’t you, JJ.” Adrian’s lips quirked as he used Pearce’s nickname. He knew he’d rue the day he let his sister and the kid meet up. Adrian’s expression turned serious, the line between his eyebrows pulled tight. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. You shouldn’t feel obligated to spend time with me, though.”

“Well, AJ, despite my first impression you aren’t a snot nosed entitled kid just looking for a quick buck. You’ve got heart. And integrity. Believe me, it’s not an imposition to shoot the breeze with you over a coffee.” That’s about as close to baring his soul as Pearce planned to get.

The solemn look on Adrian’s face didn’t fade. “I think some shit’s going down between Smurf and J. He might be worth talking to you but you need to leave Deran out of it.” 

Pearce felt his eyebrows climb toward his hairline. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you’ve got heart and integrity, too. If anyone can dislodge Smurf from Deran’s life my money is on you.” Adrian looked away, taking a gulp from his coffee.

The drive back to the beach was pretty quiet after that. When Pearce dropped Adrian off the kid didn’t bolt into the house like usual. Instead he leaned over and said through the window. “Thank you.”

Pearce’s phone rang, interrupting the moment. It was his sister and he didn’t dare ignore it. “Hi.” When he looked up it was to see Adrian entering the house.

“Hi, JJ. How’s your little stray?” Her tone was fond.

Pearce groaned. “He’s calling me JJ now. I hope you’re satisfied.” 

“Yep. It’s a part of my evil plan to take over the world.” She chuckled. “He seems like a nice kid. He’s lucky to have you in his corner.” Jessie rarely handed out compliments and that little rush of warmth hit his chest and then face.

It’s funny, Pearce didn’t think Adrian was lucky. Since they’d crossed paths the kid had been sliced up and spent a brutal amount of time in solitary in the name of keeping him safe.

The guilt that had lessened with Adrian’s words surged back up. He pushed them down as he concentrated on the conversation.

-0-

For the first time since Deran had brought Adrian home, he felt pretty good about his chances of getting his happily ever after.

Adrian had seemed more at peace these last few days which translated into Deran being more relaxed. He was always patient with Adrian but with everyone else…yeah, he’d been a little bitch. 

Kai walked by, drying a glass. “Well, that’s a rare sight.”

“What?” Deran answered absently, still more focused inward, or Adrian-ward, thinking about maybe waking Adrian up with kisses when he got home. It wasn’t all about sex like he’d maybe thought when he’d first bought the house, but he couldn’t deny he was still strongly attracted to Adrian. 

The physical part hadn’t waned but he discovered he liked spending time with Adrian more so now than ever even if it just meant hanging out together. 

“You’re smiling. Do you know how long it’s been since we’ve seen that around here?” After first Deran scowled, thinking Kai was yanking his chain but she smiled guilelessly back at Deran.

He relaxed. “Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I’ve been a little preoccupied with things.” Deran didn’t use to be one for apologizing much but if he wanted to retain good staff at The Drop, he needed to show his appreciation and respect for his people which meant admitting when he was wrong. 

Kai’s smile widened. “Things, huh. Well I’m happy to hear things are looking up. Why don’t you head out?”

“You covered so much for me last year when I ran up north, I don’t want you burning out here.” Deran wanted nothing more than to head home but being a bar owner meant being available and pulling his weight.

“No, seriously. You’ve been working your ass off lately and it’s quiet right now. Why don’t you take advantage of that and head out early?” She put her hand on his shoulder. “Seriously, Deran, I’ve got this.” She took her hand away and flicked her hair over her shoulder; the male patrons loved when she did that. 

Deran could objectively admit that she was hot but he had eyes for only one person these days.

There was something he wouldn’t admit, mainly to Craig who would tease him mercilessly, and that was that he was good and truly whipped. Adrian was still crawling out of his prison shock so he didn’t take advantage of it and if anything, he made a point to turn down what he considered handouts. Deran wished he would take advantage of him; he wanted to spoil the hell out of his lover. 

He’d learned over the last two years that he could depend on himself and make a success of things on his own. He’d also learned Adrian made his life brighter. 

He didn’t need Adrian to survive but Deran wanted more than survival. 

He wanted happiness, or at least contentment.

“Thanks, Kai. See you tomorrow.” Deran gave in to the urge to return home. He made sure the back office was locked up and headed out the door.

Headed for Adrian.

-0-

Adrian realized something had to change.

Living his life this way was slowing killing him. Worse yet, it was killing Deran.

He was scared of being outside. He couldn’t be around people. His headaches, the panic attacks, the paralyzing doubt…it wasn’t sustainable.

He had a decision to make. He needed to put Deran’s needs first so the choice wasn’t all that hard. Deran was better off without Adrian, at least the current version of him.

His mind made up, Adrian grabbed his surfboard, slipped out the door and headed out to the water before he lost his nerve. 

At least it was dark so no one would be able to see him.

-0-

Pearce was tired. It was late, or early, depending on your perspective, and he was ready to climb out of his suit and into his bed.

Police work was nothing like the procedurals on television. It was mainly chasing down leads, paperwork, occasional surveillance, more paperwork…nothing glamorous about it all.

He’d just set foot inside his apartment when his cell phone rang. “Pearce.” It didn’t have the typical amount of bark his greetings usually had but it had been more than twenty hours since he’d woken up and he wasn’t embarrassed to admit he was exhausted. If this was another priority assignment…

“Pearce, is Adrian with you?”

It took a moment for his brain to engage. Why was Deran Cody calling him about his boyfriend’s whereabouts at ass-o’clock in the morning?

“No. I haven’t seen him since we went for coffee.” He tried to remember if anything had been going on but Adrian had seemed okay. Still skittish about being in public, and on the verge of a panic attack although maybe less so than previous trips. So why did Deran sound like he was the one on the verge of a panic attack? “What’s going on?”

Deran gave a broken sigh and Pearce went on alert. “I left the bar early and came home but he’s not here. He didn’t leave a note. He’s been better this week, more relaxed, maybe even happy. I just looked something up online and did you know a sudden sense of calm and happiness after being depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to attempt suicide?”

He did actually know that. He’d had to deal with his fair share of suicide investigations over the years and knew more about the topic than he’d ever thought he would. Like Deran it hadn’t occurred to Pearce that Adrian was that depressed; it really had seemed like he was managing.

Pearce tugged off his tie with one hand. “Let me change and I’ll head to your place, take a look around. Hang tight.”

“Shit, his surfboard is gone. He hasn’t surfed since he got out.” 

He was left with silence as Deran terminated the call.

It didn’t take long to change into jeans and a sweatshirt. He looked longingly at the bed but he had to say Deran’s news had delivered a shot of adrenaline to his system and he was now wide awake.

Pearce thought back to this morning. Or was that yesterday morning? The days blurred. He hadn’t thought anything of it at the time but now it seemed as though Adrian was saying a final goodbye. He’d try to absolve Pearce over his guilt for the role he’d played in Adrian’s situation and his final words had been _thank you_. 

Adrian Dolan had somehow insinuated himself into Pearce’s life—or maybe it was vice versa—and the thought of never talking to the kid again was hard to take. His wry sense of humor was a good match for his own dry humor, he was a lot smarter than he’d come to expect in a beach rat, and he’d put himself on the line in order to give his partner a chance to get out of the life that was weighing him down. As he’d told Adrian, he had integrity. It wasn’t often he found that in his line of work.

His mind on autopilot, Pearce parked in front of the oceanside house that would probably take Pearce twenty-five years to afford and that was only if he didn’t have any other bills to pay—or need food to eat. 

Deran had said Adrian’s surfboard was missing which implied Adrian was in the ocean. He headed to the beach, keeping his ears open. 

It was Deran’s voice he heard first. “You can’t just fucking take off like that! I thought you’d…I didn’t know where you were.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sick of being scared, and how that’s dragging you down, and I wanted to see if I could be on the water without freaking the hell out. I thought I’d be inside before you got home. I didn’t mean to worry you.” Adrian sounded contrite.

“Come here, you. I’m proud of you but I just need to hold you for a minute.”

Like he had at the beginning of his acquaintanceship with Adrian Dolan, Pearce felt like a creeper.

Especially when the sounds of kissing turned into flesh slapping together. 

Pearce turned around and headed for his truck. Once he was inside, he texted first Deran and then Adrian.

The sun was starting to peek on the horizon, bright tendrils of yellow and pink overtaking the inky purple of night.

Breakfast at the café he enjoyed seemed like a decent reward for the day—and night—he’d just had. He didn’t need the calories or the cholesterol but he felt like a celebration was in order.

The kid was still alive, maybe on the road to thriving, and so was Pearce. Some of the guilt he’d been carrying around began to fade.

Finis

**Author's Note:**

> Originally I was going to do the story exclusively from Pearce's POV but unless I had him bugging the beachfront house or creeping around corners I couldn't figure out a way to hit what I needed thus the POV rotation was born. I enjoyed filling in some blanks when it comes to the intrepid detective and I'd like to think Deran and Adrian would worm their way into his heart.
> 
> I was nearing the end of the fic--which actually would be the middle of the story because I don't always (ever?) write in a linear fashion--when I realized I hadn't defined my central theme. TBH I didn't have a clue what it was but as this song came up on my MP3 player I realized these three men were all struggling with guilt in some fashion or another. Fic title and theme solved. Now if only I could figure out a fic where the band's name, Gravity Kills, would fit...I've been hanging onto that one for a while ;-)
> 
> Thank you for reading! I have three more fics to post before the end of the year.


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